myspace blogs.

i'm posting a few of my myspace blogs. they weren't so much blogs as much as maniacal rants. but i fear that not enough people were exposed to them so here they are! heed the dates and bear no grudges. enjoy!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 20, 2006
i was rumaging through my accumulation of stuff from the past four years of highschool when i came upon an envelope with a yellow paper stuffed inside. i saw the left handed writing and when i made out the words i needed to gasp for air. it's terrifying the way things work and how you don't even want to remember how to spell my name. the way you said 'i'll love you always and forever' was something you could never forget is now something to be completely forgotten. it's thorns at the bottom of my shoes that like to prick me every so often as i walk and give me that uncomfortable feeling in between my toes. and sometimes i catch myself really late at night dialing your number but never pressing send. i want to know, because i can't remember what went wrong. if it was just some stupid pattern i keep repeating or was it just that one night i lost all self control and you couldn't take it anymore. i blocked it out so well that i just tell myself "whatever," so that i may believe in something. was it really my fault or did it actually just fizzel out on us? and it makes me so angry to realize this now and not then. i ripped up every letter you ever wrote me and broke every picture of you and me. but what could have been expected from a 17 year old girl who wears her heart on her sleeve? what scares me the most is the feeling you made me feel and never finding it again with someone that i can hold closer to my heart than you. if i could ever get that far. what if i missed my chance? what if i'm one of those one out of the 99 that seriously didn't get a clue and lost it? and what now? it's been three years and i still have these stiffiling emotions that i never let out. and the timing? maybe there is such a thing as fate; maybe things really do happen for a reason. and maybe, this time is what i needed to realize what you needed. or maybe there is nothing there at all. maybe i'm completely crazy and just want something so bad that i'm longing for something that was never even there. all i can think about is how happy i was that blissful summer. and how i can't (and haven't) thought of anyone in the same way i have thought about you. and while you'll probably never read this; i simply wrote it for the chance that you might. for the chance that you might stumble upon it hoping to discover the same thing i've been looking for.
god, what a fool i was. hahahah. obviously time is ALLL i needed.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2007
Being upset about something is completely normal.

As long as that something ACTUALLY is something.

I look in the mirror and all I see is a lowly yet somehow self-righteous fucking pretentious piece of shit staring back at me.
Oh no wait, that's a picture of you.
I don't know why I brought this picture to Europe. This was supposed to be a fresh fucking page in my book. A page free from the scribble of what could have beens and yesterdays.
But instead, I find myself staring at this stupid fucking picture. This ridiculous symbol of something long gone. Or was it something never discovered? Regardless, it's something I no longer want anything to do with. Something that, having since been liberated from, has made me happier than I have ever been.
So where did that happiness go? I'm fairly certain it's still lurking around. It's just waiting for me to get that stupid fucking grin on my face that only you used to give me. I am happy. And its unfucking fair that you have the ability to make me question my happiness. One message from you is enough to send my entire world into a fucking tailspin. Well I'm not going to let you fuck with me anymore.
I wish I never met you; I wish you never kissed me. I wish I didn't waste my time and heartache on such a superficial fucking cunt. You're so unbelievably dense and manipulative that you lost yourself in your own game. You don't even know who you are anymore. You once told me that you felt like you had to hide from the rest of the world. So you put up this ridiculous facade of a person who is 'so unique and individual'. Someone who says one thing and does the exact opposite. We, in the intellectual world. call that a hypocrite.
But wasn't it you who called me a hypocrite? Didn't you persecute me for my feelings for you when you initiated them in the first place? After you made me fall for you, you completely fucking ripped out my heart. As soon as I got too close, you'd play that same game you always do.
I wonder if you practice it; your speech that is. How many girls have you let down that way? Are you completely fucking heartless? Or are you just terrified of anything that could be real? You taught me a lot about myself; and of course, I have no regrets.
I wish I had the balls to say this to your face. To let you know how you've made me feel. But you wouldn't even care. I doubt that you would take anything I say to heart let alone give me the time of day.
Well, if you did read this, I hope you fucking heard me. I hope you feel like the fucking scum that you know you are. I think it's pretty fucked up the way you mess with people's hearts over and over again. Luckily for me, I've been the object of your fucking mind games once, and I wouldn't let it happen again.
Although, for some fuck's reason, I can't stop thinking about you and I don't fucking know why. Perhaps it's the atmosphere of being in a foreign country; another first. Clean slates and clear paths. No one to stop me or to hide from. Is that what the problem was? I don't care, anyway.
This experience is a once in a life time one and I refuse to let your memory ruin it for me. This is my closure. This is how I move on with my life and become a happier person. This is how I let people in and stop pushing people away. Misery is a butterfly; you used to love that song. And whenever I hear that song I will think of you. Take that as you may.
While I would like to say that I wish you nothing but sorrow and the pain that you will undoubtedly cause many more, I can't ... I won't. I hope you find what you're looking for. And I hope you will be very happy in however you decide to spend your life.
So over it.
hahahaha clearly i was NOT over it. i remember writing this at like 4am in copenhagen. little did i know that this (the situation above) would absolve itself and the subject and i would come to be friends again. i learned a lot from you and probably have a lot to thank you for. but i won't. because you hurt me. and i'm a bitch like that :)

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2008

I know that my life probably seems effortlessly perfect from the outside looking in. People probably wonder why I complain so much or what could possibly be so terrible as to why I'm so miserable all of the time. And the truth is, I wonder the very same thing. As far as I am concerned, I have a great life. I'm not too shabby in the intelligence department. I'm pretty motivated once I know what I want. I have amazing friends who vie to stay in my life and would do anything for me regardless of how woe-is-me I can get or how brutal I am to them. I have an amazing brother who is the mirror image of my soul; and he's my best friend. I have amazing, generous parents who have spoiled me rotten. And I have had loved ones who have told me that I could never be spoiled by anything.
So what's left? Why am I so sad all the time? The thought of being with someone makes me utterly nauseous and only because I don't want to disappoint them. I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong. I don't want them to need me in their lives because then I have the ability to do wrong by them. And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy. I know I've made promise after promise to try to make things better, to work harder, to not surrender. But I'm not strong enough to do that. And being caught in between all you wish for and all you've seen. I guess I was just pretending. Not pretending to love, but pretending to be able to love. And trying to find anything that you can feel that you can believe in.

I know that I was trying too hard. Trying shouldn't be so hard. I shouldn't have to try so hard. I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes.You made me feel like I could open up and be myself. You made me realize the power that love can have and how it can completely protect you from anything out there. Cause when you showed me myself I became someone else. But the thing is that I don't know who that person is. I don't have the same faith in love that you do. I don't think that someone else can make me better; I thought I could let you make me better. But I was caught in between all you wished for and all you need.
So this is where I am now. This is how I communicate. Here's my heart on MY sleeve. It's not the pretty pink hearts we draw around a lover's name. It's not even a beating heart aching to be loved. It's an empty, pulpy mass out for all to see. I don't know anymore what it's for. I know I have to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me before I can even attempt to give myself to someone else. I'm happier when I'm alone, which is far too fucked up for me to even elaborate on. I'm not even sure if there is anyone in the sun.
And I'm sorry. I truly am sorry for the way that I've treated you. For the way that I let you down time and time again. I was stupid and selfish and immature. I was not prepared for what you wanted from me. I was not prepared for what I wanted for myself. Cause I've been caught in between all I wished for and all I need. And I thank you for bearing with me. For offering me such unconditional adoration in return for the sedition and perfidy that I offered you. I just want you to know that its not your fault. It was never your fault. Maybe you're not even sure what its for anymore than me. I need to figure out me before I can even figure out if there is an us. If there ever was an us. I want so hard to believe that there was an us but I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know how to go back to that girl who was so eager to love. So eager to let herself fall. It is safe to say I will never be that girl again, but I hope to come out a better, brighter version of her. Maybe I'm just one of those people who don't deserve to be happy.
I hope this is something that you can take and, perhaps with a grain of sand, try to understand how I feel. I'm never one to back down without a fight and here I am, fighting. For myself, and also for you. I want to be your friend. I want you to know that I will always care about you and there will always be a place for you in my heart...
If I find myself how much will I find you...
a few things about this one.. first of all, i wrote this after spending a month and a half in italy. actually, it was during the last few days of my trip. it was a fantastic journey, don't get me wrong. but it led me to break the heart of the only person who i have truly ever loved. reading this again, i realize i have changed. and i have you to thank for that, babygirl. there was an us, there will always be an us. and i am happy. i found happiness with you. i am the luckiest girl in the world that you stuck around regardless of all my bullshit. i am lucky because you show me respect, you show me honesty, and most importantly you show me that love is real. something i'm sure i never would have realized had it not been for you. ok enough with the sappy... (so lucky to be in love with my best friend....)



have you ever found your diary/journal from like 6th grade? or even high school? its funny the way things change. what's even funnier, is the way things stay the same. i guess i'll always be thwarting my emotional rants on the world in one way or another. anonymously bashing those who have hurt me or those i love. however, it is one hell of an outlet. and a healthy, safe one at that. 


i dare you to look back...




peace&love